How to Pass Your Finals

I'm going to break out of the norm a little bit and post something sorta different. This is a "Process Analysis" Column I wrote:

Finals. They are, in essence, what college students look forward to the most throughout their semester.

What actually isn’t enjoyable about finals? The overpowering rushes of energy that are the result of four or less hours of sleep a night? The pleasant grumblings of the stomach after a day of eating top ramen and instant oatmeal because that’s all one has left to eat? Or how about the gorgeous unkempt appearance a student experiences after three days of not showering?

In order to experience these glorious incidents and much, much more during finals one needs to follow a very precise schedule.

You should start your day by waking up at the crack of dawn. Next, microwave before-mentioned instant oatmeal. Turn laptop on and check Facebook. Forget oatmeal in microwave for half an hour. Throw oatmeal out and make more. Remember it this time, but eat only half of it before feeling “full.”

Skip your shower, but don’t forget to brush your teeth. Start your research project that’s due at 5pm. Get a third of the way through and realize class starts in ten minutes. Frantically throw some jeans on but remain in the shirt you slept in. Grab backpack. Run to class, dodging weird looks from other students.

Get to class one minute late. Spend class time trying to stay awake. Do the same thing for your next two classes. Get home and lay down on your bed only to “relax” for a second. Wake up two hours later and remember your paper due in an hour. Rip your laptop out of your backpack and finish your paper with 15 minutes to spare. Run to the library and print it out, then run to your professor’s office and hand it out.

On your walk home, pass the testing center and remember a test that closes that day and mutter some unintelligible, happy words of frustration. Walk home and plop on the couch. Watch the Animal Planet for half an hour and make top ramen.

Study for your test for an hour, and then confidently walk back to the testing center.  Spend an hour and a half taking the test. Get a 72 percent on test. Walk home once again.

Get home and vow never to leave again.

Stay awake until three in the morning working on a project.

Repeat.