This will be a long one folks. I got this in an email a little while ago from my mom who got it after her friend forwarded her an email her daughter (who goes to BYU) sent her.
This is Brother Bott, a professor at BYU:
"I have this question asked a dozen times a semester. I know how important marrying the right one is. I also know that we grow and progress by learning to make decisions the way that God makes them. Therefore, it would be counterproductive for God to “tell you who to marry”—that being the largest, and hence the most growth-producing, decision you will ever make.
I have wrestled and struggled with how to answer your question for a long time. Let me give you a thought or two and maybe it will help clarify the answer to your question.
The obvious “out of bounds” lines in dating and courtship are “are you planning on being immoral?” and “are you planning on marrying outside the temple?” Both of those courses of action would definitely play into the hands of the adversary. Given that you are not contemplating either of those activities, then any courting activities within those bounds which help you to get to know one another better and move you towards the temple would not be disapproved of by God.
Next, you must know that there is a very powerful, subtle adversary whose stated objective is to “make you miserable like unto himself” (see 2 Nephi 2:18, 27). Since he has no veil between you and your pre-mortal past (you do, he doesn’t), then he knows what you were foreordained to do, and sees you on the collision course with eternal greatness, and knows that marriage to a worthy partner puts you (almost) beyond his power to tempt and destroy—if you both live your covenants. You cannot realistically expect that he will “roll over and play dead.” He will pull out all the stops in a last ditch effort to derail you so that you can no longer qualify for the blessings you had earned the right to have in the pre-earth life. Since he obviously hasn’t been successful in getting the two of your to step “out of bounds” (as above explained), then he has to try a different tactic.
Very often Satan’s secondary attempts to derail righteous young men and young women from marrying are centered around doubts and fears. Look at three pertinent scriptures:
2 Timothy 1:7: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” Now if God does not give us the spirit of fear, where must it come from? Right—Satan. Why then would we take counsel from our fears (that comes from President Howard W. Hunter), since Satan’s objective is our misery?
D&C 67:3: “Ye endeavored to believe that ye should receive the blessing which was offered unto you; but behold, verily I say unto you there were fears in your hearts, and verily this is the reason that ye did not receive.” Does that actually mean that fear blocks answers to prayers? Could it be that the magnitude and seriousness of your anticipated marriage has generated some justifiable feelings of inadequacy upon which Satan is capitalizing and introducing feelings of fear? Would your approaching the marriage issue with total confidence in your ability to succeed possibly alter the feelings which you have received suggesting that this marriage is not the right option?
D&C 6:36: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” Wow! Did God just say that He never uses “doubt and fear” as a negative answer? Of the dozens (if not hundreds) of times I have interviewed with questioning couples, almost 100% of the time it is either doubts or fears or a combination of the two which poses the greatest roadblock to continuing their courtship. It isn’t lack of affection or love for each other. It isn’t their not wanting to be together that comes between them. It is ungrounded doubts and irrational fears which drives the wedge between them. Those who can recognize the source of the doubts and fears dismiss them and move on. Those who cannot, or will not, break up and go their separate ways. It is just that simple.
Not a few times, the young woman sees the problem, is willing to pay whatever price is necessary and wants to move on, but the young man still vacillates in his commitment to make the relationship work and then uses what is called at BYU “The God Trump.” Often that comes in the form of “I went to the temple to get a final confirmation that our relationship is right and for some unknown reason God said we were not to get married.” Then the clincher: “I still want to be friends, even date, cuddle, and kiss, but it won’t move towards marriage.” The girl is heartbroken because her dreams of an eternal relationship have just been shattered. Her heart is still totally involved with the young man—and so is his with her. But both, wanting to be totally obedient to God, they reluctantly agree to follow what he perceived to be God’s prompting.
The problem is, that the feelings do not come from God! Since it is God’s objective to make us happy (see 2 Nephi 2:25) or even better, what God revealed through the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God. But we cannot keep all the commandments without first knowing them, and we cannot expect to know all, or more than we now know unless we comply with or keep those we have already received” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p.255). The path that leads back to God includes a righteous young man marrying a righteous young woman in one of God’s temples. Why would God deny your plea to marry the woman of your dreams since you are only following His Divinely revealed plan? Can’t you see the inconsistency?
Some young men, when they get hit with the “doubts and fears” want God to assume the responsibility for their lack of courage, knowing how much more acceptable it will be to their girlfriends if God is the Source of rejection. Have you ever considered what that kind of a revelation would do to the self-esteem of the young woman?
Other young men really don’t have sufficient love for their girlfriends but have led them along to the point of giving the mistaken impression that they were sincere about marrying them. Usually that is in order to seduce the girls into kissing, cuddling, etc. more than they would be willing to if they knew it was just a casual dating relationship. Now they are at a crossroad and they must “put up or shut up.” Not having the native courage to admit that they are the deceivers and not wanting to totally cut off the sexual stimulation which comes from their intimate association with their girlfriends, they announce that God has told them that their girlfriends are not the right ones. What righteous young woman is going to countermand a revelation from God? Therefore, God “trumps” whatever inspiration or revelation or confirmation the girls think they have received. Trusting their returned missionary boyfriends (as being more in tune with the Spirit than they are, most of the girls not having served missions), they reluctantly, but humbly comply with the alleged revelation.
Now how can one tell if they truly received a negative answer? The Lord gives the answer in two scriptures:
D&C 8:2-3: “Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind AND in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.
Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground.”
Note the Lord did not say “I will tell you in your mind OR your heart” Either you or the adversary can manipulate one domain or another, but neither you nor the adversary can manipulate them both—or it would negate the “spirit of revelation.”
So how do you make the determination that will merit the confirmation or negation by God? The Lord tells you in D&C 9:7-9.
“Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.”
Who makes God’s decisions for Him? Obviously He makes His own. How did He learn how to make decisions? By having His Father make decisions for Him while He was on an earth? Certainly not! By His learning to take His knowledge of the gospel, weighing the factors and making His own decision and then asking His Father for confirmation. So the Lord continues to instruct:
“But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.”
Once you weigh all the factors—“study it out in your mind” and receive the greatest witness from God (see D&C 6:23—“Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?”)—then you make a decision on what you want to do, without equivocating, you take that decision to the Lord. If it is a correct decision (according to God’s eternal perspective), then He promises you a “burning in the bosom” or a peaceful, feeling, therefore you will “feel that it is right”—why not that you will “know it is right”? Because you have already studied it out in your mind and have the peaceful, intellectual assurance that you have considered the facts and come to a logical conclusion. Now you are trying to add the “affective” or feeling domain. What if it isn’t right? Most of the returned missionaries in my D&C classes say “Oh, you’ll have a stupor of thought!” My question in return is: “If the Lord tells you “yes” in your “mind AND your heart” why would He only tell you “No” in your “mind OR your heart” since either you or the adversary can manipulate one domain or the other?” It comes almost as a shock to them when they realize that applying half a formula to a mathematical problem always results in the wrong answer. Look what the Lord said:
“But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.”
Or, as Melvin J. Ballard, an apostle of several years ago, said: “He will ‘turn your heart’ away” from that which is not right.
When the couples come into to talk with me about their conflicting answers, I ask the one receiving the “negative answer” if he still wants to be around his girlfriend? The answer is always “Yes, of course I do.” To which I respond, then you don’t have a negative answer from God. Because if it was really a negative answer from God, not only would you have the “stupor of thought” which would muddle the logic you had arrived at to determine that this was the right girl, but your heart would immediately have been turned away from her. You would have sought occasion to distance yourself from her, breaking dates, avoiding meeting her on campus, even moving to a different location to be away from her.” The fact that almost 100% of them still want to be together, ought to suggest to any reasoning mind that Satan is doing what he does best—trying to disrupt and destroy the potentially happy, eternal relationship by introducing doubts and fears.
I have pondered a lot over the “yes to her, no to him” answer to prayer. Perhaps there is yet one more option—because God NEVER contradicts His own revelations—that would make Him “a house divided against itself” which then, according to the Savior, would fall (see Mark 3:25).
If one of two conditions (or both) exist, I can see giving the couple a “Hold” instead of a “Yes or No.” 1) If the timing is not right. For example, if you two had met before your mission and you tried to get God to give the revelation that she was the right one, He likely would have put you on hold. You had a mission to serve before receiving the revelation on who to marry. (See D&C 5:4 for scriptural confirmation of that principle). 2) One or both of you didn’t have enough information to get a confirmation. I see this too often at BYU. Girl meets boy, two weeks later they are engaged, a month later they are married, six months later they are divorced. What they misinterpreted as a “Yes” answer was likely a “Hold-yes” or the Lord could be giving them a “Hold-no”. When both of the above conditions have been met, then the Lord can take the couple off “hold” and move (in either case—Hold-yes or Hold-no) them to a yes or no answer.
I don’t know how long you kids have been dating or how well you know each other, but if either #1 or #2 have not been satisfied, then you may be getting what you perceive to be a “no” answer. If you know each other quite well, and are old enough (not just chronologically but mentally) to make and keep an eternal commitment, then I suspect it is Satan trying to muddy the waters rather than God putting you on hold.
Has this been a long answer to a short question or what? I really feel for both of you when there is insufficient understanding to truly grasp what is happening to you. Please don’t shift the responsibility of making the decision to God. If the two of you really love each other and want to get married and you’re planning on doing it right and in the temple, then God is not going to nix your plans.
Like I said in the beginning, I hope this doesn’t muddy the waters more than help you come to some kind of an understanding. Good luck in your decision."
